I finally got 2006 Sm winter town!!! yeah!!! but is damn expensive,my heart ached for some time...and i finally re-arranged my music folder...as expected,i spend 2 days on it.
all of a sudden i realise my holidays are going to end. how long have i spend sleeping, online, watching anime, writing the suju fanfic? the relaxations are going to end.(how sad!) though i really missed my pals from kl it does make me worry a little by thinking of starting school again.
obviously i wont be staying with all my dear dear housemates again. who will i meet this time? bet they wont be as nice as my ex do. so what if my roommate's a freak? what if she is so damn quiet that i would want to bang my head on the wall to make her speak? so what if, i open the hostel door, to nobody's greeting and a house of quietness? that i shouted 'tadaima' and hear only the echo from the emptyness in the house and also from my heart? that i have to get used to eating alone, walking out of the hostel without no one to say 'itekimasu'? that when i look out of the window and when i see a beautiful rainbow that i have no one to share with but only to smile to the rainbow alone and feel the depth of loneliness drowning me?
i wonder how long it would take before i get used to the cold, from the feeling of no family around me, when i am so bored and i found out that i woundnt be able to just knock on room1 and walk in to just sit down and stared into wanting's poster or see jolynn studying? when i am too exhausted from studying i cant bang into room3 to see what's ivy doing or to lye on her bed? when i look around wanting to share a joke and yixin's not there? and no more of hearing the deafening music from janice's computer and not seeing xiao lu who wont leave her computer? not to mention hearing aifang shouting for jolynn, chingyee at the window side wispering and often visits of evonne wylie? damn, i am starting to miss all these already...
then, to add to the worse, new environment of studying. i am always the one whos afraid of changers to occur. i took so long to get used to ausmat. and now i have to face another new environment again, having no friends whos taking the same course with me,only seeing familiar faces during lunch? i wonder how long would i take this time. besides from that, i am going to uni. this fact finally hits me. it wont be the same way of teaching, studying, all of a sudden i am taking different subjects that i always thought as difficult to handle. hell, why in first place i took communication...i am never good in communicating,but deep down i wanted to try out, i wanted to be good in it, but what will it take? how long will it take? what will i be giving in to earn this? or worst, that i spend 3 years suffering and to realise that i would never be good at it?
i always wanted to try, the thought of trying always put me on hook, like walking on a fragile thread thinking that i might have a chance of getting to the other end without realising that i would never do a good job? i always thought i can do many things, that even if i wont be the best i can be better than nothing? and the truth is i am always not meeting what i expeceted for myself. just look at my IS marks. lawrence warned us so many times but i just thought that i will try it out, that i wont get bad marks and i expected something more than what i got in the end.
sometimes when i look back at how i think of many things, i wonder if others think the same way? if i am just one of normal people wondering around? if the things that i thought make me me are the same things that make the others them? the thoughts and feelings are so real that i cant imagine someone elses shared them, thought the same way i thought and feel it the way i felt. it feels lousy thinking that i am just the average jane that do average things think the average way and achieve average marks making no part of me a little more special...i am the jack of all trade,knowing a little bit of everything but master of none. (okay,my name change from joanne to jane then to jack,call me anything you like)
then...i realised,i am so away from what i wanted to say in the first place...lll-o-
whatever lah. i am thinking of what i would be bring already...really really hope that i can get to stay with ivy n jojo or janice...haiz,faith,haiz,life. they are all so troublesome. dont you think so?
p/s if u see wrong words or spelling pls ignore...
!!!i suddenly realise i am writing all the serious and boring stuff...thanks for the patients to even read them...all the funny stuff hid when i am writing my blog...where are you~~~
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2 comments:
Hey Jack, such a serious entry u got there. ^_^ C'mon, don't worry too much Jane. I'm sure u'll be alright with the new environment. U still have all your old frens n housemates to accompany u. Juz make as many new frens as possible during orientation juz like how u befriended me. ^_^ I'm sure u'll find ppl as nice as us hahahaha. =p Good luck n all the best joanne.
lol. how come i always start comments with lol? dunno, maybe its just u joanne. then i look at yi xin's comment and go LOL again. jack and jane? shouldnt it be jill? ah whatever.
anyway. dun worry. we're teeagers (read, young) and will definitely go thru this. questions like "who am i really? wad do i want? what if i fail?" goes by everytime. even the smartest, brilliantest and most hardworking ppl go thru this so.. dont worry. trust ur choice and make the best out of it.
Success is a plate that still has no names written on it.It wont be easy but Write urs on it, and it'll come to u =)
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